failed haiku | a naked man inside me sobs


a naked man inside me sobs.
clouds full of rain drops

slowly pass by.


how it failed as a haiku:

a.naked.man.in.side.me.sobs = 7 syllables (suppose to be 5)
clouds.full.of.rain.drops = 5 (suppose to be 7 here)
slowly.pass.by = 2 (or 3?) syllables only! ( 5 is ideal).

by the way, syllable calculation is tricky!
so, i relied on this online word and syllable counter

trying to fix it by keeping haiku rules right:

clouds full of rain drops,
a naked man inside me sobs.

a rainbow blessing the sky.


now (finally) it conforms 5/7/5 format.

another version with syllables rule intact:

clouds full of rain drops,
a naked man inside me sobs.

the giant rainbow blessing the sky.



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Technology of the Heart: failed haiku | a naked man inside me sobs
failed haiku | a naked man inside me sobs
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Technology of the Heart
http://www.techofheart.co/2008/07/failed-haiku-naked-man-inside-me-sobs.html
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